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This year is a special one. One of my best friends is having a baby and another one is getting married. This is my eye opening “I am an adult” year.
So many positive and exciting changes going on around me that I continue to feel despite whats going on in our world lately. I feel so grateful to be so connected to these women and be a part of their journey’s so closely. They have been such a significant part of mine for years.
Grieving brings out all sides of you. Parts that you never realized you had in you. Parts of you that are vulnerable, sensitive, observant, cautious and lonely at times. I was so low that everything around me depressed me. I was numb to a lot of things around me that should have and would have been very joyful. Being stuck in bouts of depression secluded me from all opportunities to be happy. These were active choices I was making but at the time I really couldn’t see beyond it. I was on autopilot. Just getting through whatever I needed to and was required of me ( attending parties, keeping up social appearances with friends and family, going to school ). I wasn’t present. I was a zombie amongst lively happy people. Whether they didn’t notice or did and didn’t know how to tell was irrelevant. At the time I was so bitter, I wanted something/someone to help me but didn’t want to ask or accept any kind of it. It took constant pushing myself to get to a point of realizing that I needed to start doing things that would make me happy. I had to fight through a lot of feelings of sadness and guilt. Guilt that I was able to push myself through one opportunity at a time and some of my family members couldn’t. I would stay stuck with them and kind of buffer.I realized that I wasn’t helping them if I couldn’t help myself. That mindset was the biggest game changer for me.
Since embracing my journey and all of the perks of healing, I’ve become so much more in tune with my surroundings and how fortunate I am to have the relationships that I do. I’ve appreciated more, loved harder and allowed opportunities and happiness in. Changing my mindset brought out a version of me that I didn’t realize I had in me. And girl, I am not mad about it. I’m so looking forward to continuing being present and enjoying watching my best friends experience these beautiful parts of life. And, I’m finally enjoying being present with all of the fulfilling and magical things flourishing around me in my life. Took this girl years of being bitter Barb to become joyFULLy me. Lean on your friends, be patient with yourself and keep healing sis.