GGH Blog

Dating - Teen Years (July 5,2020)

Looking back on my late teens while my dad was sick, my mom was his caregiver and my siblings and I were getting accustomed to a new normal I realized that in all of my choices outside of home all I wanted was to be normal (so badly).

“It made me forget about being sad and I was hooked on that feeling.”

So much was changing and I wanted to act like it wasn’t. I resisted it by doing the most teenagery thing and dove into relationships. I started dating my first real boyfriend in the 11th grade. He was cute and definitely not on my radar since I’m almost certain he tried flirting with my best friend for weeks first in class. He was a hockey player, the jokester, charming and he asked me to go for pizza at lunch weeks after after my friend teased the idea but wasn’t interested in him. We talked for weeks after on MSN and texted on our flip phones. I was so excited. That feeling of something new and exciting starting was the most normal I’d felt in a while. It made me forget about being sad and I was hooked on that feeling. We actually got along really well. We had the same humor. I’m sure if we met today for the first time we’d be friends. I’m grateful my first experience was with someone like him. He was a flirty, eager teenager which in short was what led us to break up at the start of university. That space from him and that entire situation was exactly what I needed.

Throughout dating him there were moments that I couldn’t take that sadness that initially he made me forget about or hide it and that led to some awkward mascara mixed tear filled t shirt moments after trying to console me. Sorry to your mom who had to wash those shirts out ! Grief followed me in all places and came out of nowhere at times even when I felt happiness.  I went to high school parties, prom, had teenage couple fights about jealousy, had fun weekend dates together with him and best of all had an extra person who cared about me to look out for me. Most of the people I was friends with or a part of a friend group with, had no idea the pain I was going through or what my reality was. I pushed it down and tried so hard to fit in when everything in my life was crashing and we were a phone call away everyday for years from hearing that my dad wouldn’t make it.

My reflections on these years 10 years later

  • How could I expect someone to understand what I couldn’t let alone another teenager? Our brains aren’t fully developed until about 25 years old and there’s no way he nor I had the capacity to foresee what was ahead, logically. We still had so much to learn but it’s hard to appreciate that when you’re young and experiencing so much change.
  • Communication is key in all relationships – lack of verbally communicating was my downfall yet my way to cope (shutting down/withdrawing).
  • Never blame yourself for the choices you made as a young person – you did the best you could with the resources you had. I’m most grateful for allowing myself to have those ‘normal’ high school experiences and pushing through those feelings at times and stopping when I needed to. I’m grateful that my mom always supported this and made me feel comforted in knowing that she was with my dad, taking care of him and notifying us when she absolutely needed to during our school days. She never placed that weight on any of us 3. I would’ve spent a lot of time wondering about those experiences or trying to make up for it in some way.
  • It was during this time that I grew to support myself because not even my high school boyfriend, closest friends and guidance department couldn’t handle it – the deep thoughts, aimlessly questioning the world, sleepless nights and anxiety. It added fuel to my resiliency fire. I’m not mad about it.
  • It’s hard for a teenage boy to understand that he is not the sole cause of your happiness and sadness. Yes he did make me happy but I was experiencing trauma and there’s nothing I could’ve done to help him see or understand that in the way I needed.
  • He did the best he could, I actually sent him a message about a year ago when therapy was really healing my soul and leading me to feeling gratitude and compassion. I thanked him for giving the most normal high school experience he could’ve and helping as much as he could.
  • We were experiencing two very different family lifestyles, stressors, struggles, obligations and responsibilities and even as an adult years later this is still an issue that arises between people regardless of their age ( not finding common ground – we all just want to be heard and appreciated).
  • I ignored red flags and started giving people the benefit of the doubt at my own risk/cost during these years.
  • Words are powerful especially when you hit a sensitive nerve. I remember he criticized my body a lot and would pry about my family. He asked me if we were to ever get married how would I pay for things. I remember that gut wrenching feeling sitting in a DQ parking lot. How dare he, how could that be on his mind? I guess that’s what some 17 year old’s thought about. All I knew is that I started working a few years before we dated to help my family and I would never let another male think that I would need his financial support ( I paid for your ice cream that night – just saying) and that I was incapable due to his perception of my family. It really did get under my skin and flooded my mind for a while after.
  • This explains how guarded I became in my 20’s especially after speculation that he tried coming on to my best friend the summer after my dad passed. Both were gone from my life that summer. No check ins, nothing. It really hurt me to have two of the closest people in my life during the years leading up to my dad’s passing betray me in what ever version of their different stories was the truth. I felt so suffocated that summer with my grief alone in the suburbs watching everyone else’s lives continue, especially the ones who were supposed to be the closest to me. It’s important to check in on your friends – they may be suffering in silence.
  • The course of these relationships that were the closest to me hurt but we were all teens, living and learning. A lot of adults even struggle with how to support their grieving friends.

After that summer I started my second year at university downtow. New space, new people, new opportunities. What a breath of fresh air but little did I know that my issues and grief would continue to follow me despite the change of scenery. I ran toward opportunity- education and a chance to provide for my family better but partly ran from my grief in the process. It would always catch up to me..

TO BE CONTINUED ..

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